Six Feet Under
by darveycanon206
Summary: Set after 7x08 - What would have happened if Donna had let herself into that hotel room?
1. Chapter 1

I'm so excited to share this with you all as it's my first pre canon Darvey multi chapter fic!

Set after 7x08 – What would have happened if Donna had let herself inside that hotel room?

I had this idea stuck in my mind for ages and then Sarah took me to the Fairmount (where they filmed the hotel scene) during my trip to Toronto and I just had to write this.

This is also my first attempt to angst so, I hope you'll enjoy the story and I'll love to hear your thought!

A huge thank you to Marie (darveycaptain) and Sarah (catsballeths) for being the best beta readers and for the never-ending support, you girls make me better.

Happy reading xx

(I don't own Suits, any of its characters or this song)

_**Six feet under **_

_**Chapter 1: Help, I lost myself again**_

It was ten past nine when she found herself in front of that hotel room number 508. She didn't know why she was there, but after the awkward conversation with Paula in the morning and all the drama with Harvey that had recently broken her heart, she needed a night for herself, a night to take her mind off her problems.

She read Rachel's text seconds before he opened the door.

_"Hope you're having a hot time on your date. You deserve the best"_

And there he was, standing right in front of her half-smiling with his grizzly hair that looked a bit messed up.

_"I didn't know if you'd come_" he was staring so deep into her hazel eyes, as if he wanted to look for the slightest sign of guilt, or regret.

"Neither did I" she merely whispered under her breath. She was sure Mark hadn't heard her, but her consciousness most certainly had.

She made her way inside and started to unbutton her pink coat. Her outfit could have looked like an odd choice for a Summer night, but it all made a lot more sense when she removed the coat.

She was standing in nothing but a black lace bra that perfectly shaped her breasts and the matching underwear. She saw Mark's jaw drop the moment she let her coat slip onto the bedroom floor.

"Jesus, Donna…" he had already seen her naked before, but, somehow, she had even got hotter over the years, and he never thought that anyone could be nearly as hot as Donna was when she was his.

"Take me to bed, Mark" she couldn't wait any longer. It didn't matter what would happen in the morning, tonight she was all in.

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The next morning she arrived at work later than usual, mostly because of the lack of sleep last night had caused her.

As she strolled into the halls of Pearson Specter Litt with her vanilla coffee in one hand, she was stopped by a familiar face.

"Hi, Donna!" Rachel seemed even more excited than usual "How did your date go? I wanna know all the details right now" the brunette giggled as she grabbed Donna's arm and dragged her into her office.

"It was good" she didn't want to share the circumstances with her friend, not because she was afraid she would judge her, but because she knew Rachel would tell Mike everything and, the last thing she needed was Harvey finding out about the steamy night with her ex. Her married ex.

"Good? That's all you have to say? You look like you've slept five minutes Donna, you're not going to fool anyone around here and you're definitely not going to fool me"

"Okay, it was better than good. It was some of the best yoga I've had in a long time, but…" maybe she could open up a bit - after all, Rachel was her best friend who has been there for her every step of the way, she deserved to know.

"What's wrong?" a worried expression started to form on her friend's face.

"I didn't have a date with some random guy yesterday, Rachel. It was Mark" Donna was sure she would remember who he was, that mock trial was still engraved in everyone's mind around the firm.

_"Do you love Harvey Specter?"_

_"That's enough!"_

How much she wished she could forget.

"Wait a minute, that Mark?! The one who asked you to choose between him and Harvey years ago?"

"Yeah, that Mark… We went out for lunch a couple of days ago and, well, we both felt something was still there. The problem is he's married Rach…but I slept with him anyway" she started to feel ashamed. Hearing those words out loud definitely had an impact on her.

"Donna, that's huge!" Rachel was in shock. She definitely hadn't seen any of it coming.

"I know… but could you please keep it to yourself? The last thing I need is more people gossiping about my sex life around the office" the comments about her late nights with Harvey that somehow ended up in her becoming COO were more than enough already.

"Don't worry, Donna. My lips are sealed" Rachel said while squeezing her friend's arm "Now I gotta go because I have tons of work to do this morning. But why don't you come by after work and we can talk this through? Mike is gonna be out late tonight, so we'll have the place all to ourselves" she smiled, and Donna was sure she meant to be friendly, but she felt some self-pity anyway. Because she was sure Rachel knew what had led to her sleeping with Mark. Or rather, who.

"Sounds good! See you later" she smiled back at her friend and headed back to her office, intended to drown herself in work today to keep her mind off the mess she had made.

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She was making her way out of the offices to enjoy her well-deserved lunch break when she spotted him coming out of the elevators with a hopeful look on his face.

What was he doing here? She had left without barely saying a word that morning and she knew they had to sort things out, but she wasn't expecting to see him so soon. Let alone at the firm.

"Mark, what are you doing here?" she sounded nervous and had a visibly alarmed look on her face.

"Wow, I wasn't expecting a welcoming kiss, but I didn't think I'd catch you so disappointed to see me either" he tried to joke, but deep down she knew he was hurt. He still had feelings for her, he probably never stopped loving her all this time.

"I am not. It's just…" she was now grabbing his arm guiding him towards the elevators "Can we talk somewhere else?"

She had barely managed to get one of her Prada stilettos into the elevator when she heard Louis behind her "Oh there you are, I need you to come with me now, you have to help me choose the font for my new business card. I don't wanna risk picking something too manly for me"

"Actually Louis, I am in the middle of something right now, can this wait until after my lunch break?" of all the things she could focus her mind on right now, Louis' drama queen needs were her last priority.

"Donna, please. I told Esther I'd send her my new business card tomorrow and I have to blow her stupid muffins commercial away" of course he had to, he was Louis after all.

"Okay, just wait for me in your office. I'll be there in five" the sooner she'd free her hands of that weird situation, the better. She already had more than enough on her plate.

"Mark, I'll call you later, okay?" she knew she had to deal with him, but a couple of hours wouldn't mess up their relationship more than it already had been.

"Okay, have a good day, Donna"

She watched him take the elevator to the lobby and she had such a heavy feeling on her heart. How was she supposed to get out of this? Had she made an irreversible choice?

She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she didn't even notice Harvey's presence behind her as she was walking to Louis' office.

He had watched the whole scene and his eyes were full of confusion and even a bit of rage. He had no idea Mark was back in her life and he certainly didn't expect the two of them to be dating again after the tough ultimatum he had put her in front of years ago.

How could she be seeing him again after all of that?

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He spent the whole day in his office preparing himself for court and he didn't notice it was way past the time he was supposed to head home. But apparently, he wasn't alone.

"Hi, I spotted you here and I thought you could use some help with all of those files" she was smiling through the dim lights of his office, her red hair shining even though the rest of the firm was practically black.

"I could" he smiled back at her, making some space on his desk to let her wander through all the depositions he had in front of him.

They worked together for an hour until he addressed the elephant in the room "I couldn't help but notice Mark was here earlier today…"

Her facial expression changed immediately. She wasn't ready to face the conversation that she knew was coming.

"Oh… yeah, we had lunch a couple of days ago. He just came to see if I was free today for a second round"

He knew she was lying, she couldn't even look at him while answering his question "You're lying"

"What?" she raised her head and she was now facing him.

"I said you're lying. Don't forget that I can read you too, Donna" he was so confident and that alone was already driving her crazy

"You know, it doesn't really matter why he was here… and it's late, so I should probably go home"

"You two are seeing each other again, aren't you?" he may have sounded abrupt, but he was tired of hearing bullshit excuses.

"No, we're not… I mean, I don't know" she was telling the truth this time. She had no idea what they were doing with their time. Other than cheating on his wife.

"What do you mean you don't know?" now he was even more confused than before, but he sure as hell wanted to know what was going on. Even though he knew it wasn't his right to ask her.

"Harvey, I really am not in the mood to talk about this right now" she just wanted to get out of the firm quickly and head home with her bottle of wine, since she had to turn down Rachel's offer due to her work load.

"You slept with him again" he was visibly angry. The mere thought of her in bed with Mark made the blood boil in his veins.

"And what if I did? Why would you even care? You have a girlfriend, Harvey. And I even had the pleasure of running into her right here yesterday. By the way, I'm glad you guys are so happy together" her tone was more irritated than ever.

"So, that's the problem. You're jealous" she could see a small grin forming on his lips and she couldn't stand giving him the satisfaction.

"I'm not jealous Harvey, I'm tired and I just wanna go home" she was getting impatient. She wanted to end this conversation as soon as possible.

"What's making you so nervous, Donna?" he knew something was off with her, and she had felt that way since the first moment he saw her in the morning.

"Nothing, I told you I just need to get some sleep"

"Bullshit. You're hiding something from me"

She couldn't hold it anymore. The words came out of her mouth even before she had the chance to stop them "He is married okay? I slept with him and he has a wife" she yelled, while tears started streaming down her cheeks.

They were face to face now, but he was speechless. He couldn't believe Donna agreed to be the other woman. And not for just anyone, but for Mark.

"Wow… I never thought of you as someone who could go that low just to get laid"

She didn't even bother letting him finish his sentence, her hand slapped him across the face as soon as those words left his mouth.

"How dare you. You don't get to have a say in this, Harvey. I do whatever I want with whoever I want because _I have to life my life_" she wasn't sure anymore if her eyes had more tears or rage at this point.

"Yeah, you've told me that once already. You seem to be living your life with so many people, Donna" he moved dangerously close to her "But tell me, did he make you scream as much as I did?" he whispered in her ear as his mouth moved too close to that sensitive spot on her neck.

"Fuck you, Harvey" she pushed him away, and once they were face to face again, she saw his eyes going completely black.

"Are you sure that's what you want to say to me, Donna?" he was teasing her and she couldn't stand it.

"Fuck you" she repeated those words without losing eye contact with him for a second, as if she needed to convince herself more than him.

He moved closer again until there was merely an inch between them. He placed his hands on her waist and started roaming them up and down her body. She could feel every fiber of it burning under his fingers. Burning of desire for him.

"Fuck me, Harvey" she moaned, while his skilled mouth finally found her neck.

He raised his head and kissed her hard, his hands leaving her waist only to grab her ass and guide her towards his desk. With a rapid movement, he tossed every file away from his desk and placed her on it. She moaned a little when her bare skin touched the cold surface and that made his bulge grow even harder inside his pants.

He reached for the hem of her dress and moved it up her waist so he could get better access to her. His fingers started teasing the inside of her tights, purposely avoiding the places where she needed him the most. She let out a groan of annoyance.

"Anything you need?" his smirk had never been so loud before.

"Shut up, Harvey, I'm still mad at you" she had no intention of letting him get to her. Tonight was pure pleasure.

She reached for his belt and she unbuckled it in a heartbeat, pulling down his pants and boxers in one move.

He couldn't wait anymore. With one swift turn, he pushed himself all the way inside her, causing her to gulp

He could feel her adjusting to his length and he could swear it was even better than their first time.

"God Donna, you feel so good" he started moving, slowly but hitting that spot he knew would drive her crazy. That same spot he had hit several times twelve years ago.

"No talking" she put her finger on his mouth while kissing him and letting his tongue invade her mouth.

He started increasing their pace until he felt her walls clenching around him. He made sure he was looking straight into her beautiful eyes as they both came at the same time.

As soon as he pulled out of her seconds later, she stepped away from his desk and fixed her dress. She didn't say a word. She just grabbed her purse and tried to make her way out of his office because she didn't want him to see she was crying. But it was too late, he had already noticed.

He reached for her arm and stopped her "Donna, please"

His eyes weren't dark anymore. Now they seemed filled with something else, something that looked a lot like love.

"Harvey… let me go" she removed his hand from her arm and walked herself to the elevator while wiping away her tears.

She just had sex with Harvey, in his office. And once again, all she got out of it was a broken heart.

She just couldn't face any of that tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

A little earlier than I expected but I'm back with the second chapter!

Thank you for your support after chapter one. As I mentioned before, this is my first multi chapter fic and I've been overwhelmed by your feedback. It truly means the world to me.

This may not be where you'd imagined or you'd like this story to go but I hope you'll enjoy the ride with me.

And please, never stop letting me know your thoughts!

Happy reading xx

**Chapter 2: ****Don't come back, it won't end well**

Once she got home, she tried to get some sleep, but her mind didn't seem to want to shut down.

She got up from her bed and made her way to the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of her favorite red wine. Then one glass turned into four and she became incredibly sad.

The events of the last two days started running through her mind. She felt guilty, hurt, confused, but most of all, she couldn't help feeling broken.

Her night with Mark had been a mistake, she knew it and she full intended to tell him. She promised herself she would never be "the other woman" again.

That's when it hit her, not only had she been "the other woman" for Mark, after tonight, she was also Harvey's other woman. How did they get to that point?

"_I can't be me without you"_

"_Everyone else ever loses faith in me, it doesn't matter. But with you, it's different"_

And now, she was nothing but his sloppy seconds.

Although, to be fair, it was him who made a move towards her this time. What if he was finally ready to try? And give them a chance after all those years?

Her slight sense of hope was immediately erased from her mind by another thought: he was never going to trust her again.

She clearly remembered what had happened when Harvey found out Scottie had cheated on her fiancé with him. If it hadn't been for Donna, the two of them would have never stood another chance.

She didn't have her own Donna Paulsen in her life though and she surely couldn't count on herself to get out of that horrible and messy situation.

She was lost and she had probably ruined any chance of happiness for both Harvey and herself. She might as well put it out of her mind and forget that night ever happened in the first place.

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Peace for her own mind seemed to be miles away as she noticed Harvey sitting on her desk that morning. His brows were arched, and he looked like he hadn't got any sleep at all last night.

Maybe he'd been up all night thinking about what had happened, thinking about her. But then she remembered he was with Paula, he'd probably had sex with her to erase the memories, to get rid of his own guilt.

She still wasn't sure if she had it in herself to face him yet, but she knew sooner or later that conversation was bound to happen, and she definitely needed to get inside her office to work.

She tried to greet him once she entered her office, but his words came out first "Donna we need to talk".

Wow, Harvey Specter willing to talk about his feelings? There must have been a full moon.

She froze as soon as she heard him voice his intentions. The problem was, this time around, Donna Paulsen was the one who wasn't ready.

"Harvey, I know, but now is not the right time and I have a lot going on, so …"

"I haven't told Paula" he interrupted her before she could finish her sentence.

"What?" she was blindsided. She was expecting anything but him bringing up his girlfriend. Or former therapist if you like it better.

"You don't have to find excuses to avoid this conversation with me. I haven't told her because what happened between you and me last night was a one-time thing. That's what I've been meaning to tell you before you got all flustered" he looked nervous and irritated, but he still hadn't stood up from her desk

"Yeah, good to hear we're on the same page. It was just sex and it's never gonna happen again" she blurted out the first words she could come up with.

"Good. See you later then" he left her desk and made his way down the still empty halls of the firm.

She could finally breathe again. Why did she feel so heartbroken? She knew her relationship with Harvey wasn't going to change after their moment of weakness. It could have only gone backwards, and she should feel relieved that at least everything seemed to be back to normal again.

But her chest was aching, because no matter what she had told herself the night before, drowning in her wine, her heart still hoped that their passionate night could have finally made him come to his senses. But after all, he was Harvey Specter and she was beginning to convince herself that maybe they were destined to be in the gray forever.

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Her morning consisted of going through some files to help Louis with the associates and she was halfway through when Rachel showed up at her office door.

"Hey! How are you? I'm so sorry you couldn't make it last night! How did your evening go?"

Putting last night's events out of her mind was getting harder and harder since everyone seemed to bring up the topic so easily.

"You know, it was work, but honestly, I'm very tired today" her eyes couldn't help but wander towards his office as she spoke, wondering if she was tired because she hadn't been able to sleep a wink last night or because twelve years of tension and wounds had started to feel more than enough.

Unfortunately for her, her glance didn't go unnoticed by the brunette, who was starting to get suspicious.

Donna hadn't acted like herself for a couple of days now and, even though Rachel was aware of what had happened with Mark and could imagine how badly that had impacted her friend, she still sensed something else was probably going on. And she was sure she knew who that "something else" might involve.

She wasn't going to ask Donna though, she knew how much pain and disappointment talking about Harvey had always brought up for her.

Instead, she was going to use her own ace in the hole.

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"There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you" Rachel grabbed her soon-to-be husband and dragged him in the nearest conference room

"Woah, do I need to start getting worried here? You haven't been so eager since that time in the file room, you know" Mike said while smirking. "But I have to say, I'm not an exhibitionist, so maybe we can find a place without glass walls?"

"Oh good lord, you boys. Everything with you is about getting laid" she rolled her eyes while still flashing Mike a little smile "I've brought you in here to talk. It's about Donna" her expression was getting serious now.

"What happened to her?" he was clearly worried as well. He knew how much Rachel cared about the redhead and if she was so impatient, the reason must have been huge.

"I'm not sure, but she looks so different lately, and when I asked her about last night, her mind seemed to have travelled miles away, but her eyes went straight to Harvey's office".

She didn't need to add another word, the puppy had already understood her intentions. "I'll talk to him and see if I can figure something out. No promises though, you know he's not really keen on opening up, even more so when it comes to Donna".

"Thank you" Rachel smiled and gave her fiancé a soft peck on the lips before leaving him to get back to work.

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Donna's mind had been so busy thinking about her former boss that she almost forgot about her married ex. She still needed to deal with Mark, since she hadn't told him anything about Harvey either and she sure wasn't planning on doing it any time soon.

Her hands were shaking as she texted him suggesting they have lunch together and they were still shaking as she stood in front of the elevators, on her way to meet him.

She heard two simultaneous dings coming from the elevators and suddenly, she felt like the walls of the firm were closing up on her.

She found herself standing speechless between Harvey and Mark. Each one of them stepping out of the elevators. Their eyes setting the other on fire, but never shifting the gaze from her at the same time.

She decided to address the easiest problem first "Mark! I thought we were meeting downstairs"

"Yes, but I got here a bit early and I decided to come up and see if things had changed around here since my last visit" he got closer to her, but, unbeknown to herself, her feet moved a bit further away from him. Mark surely noticed though.

"Hello, Mark. Long time no see" she heard Harvey's cocky voice coming from behind her, and in that moment, she wished she could be anywhere else but at Pearson Specter Litt.

"I never thought I'd see you around here ever again" he was now smirking, as if he was stating that the firm was his territory and he wasn't welcome there. Or more like, he wasn't welcome wherever she was.

"Well, sometimes things change" Mark replied, faking a smile that Harvey knew damn well was hiding aversion and hate.

"Maybe you're right" Harvey's grin never left his face. Donna was well aware he was enjoying the satisfaction of knowing Mark wasn't the last man she'd been with and that her ex didn't have the slightest idea about that.

As Harvey walked past them towards his office, he turned around and noticed Mark putting his hand around Donna's waist, on their way inside the elevator. That mere sight was enough to his blood boil. He told her he didn't want more, that he wasn't going to tell Paula, but seeing her with that guy, especially after she'd been his the night before, made his stomach clench.

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Ten minutes later, Harvey spotted his former associate making his way inside his office with a huge smile on his face.

"What do you say Batman and Robin go out for a bagel in ten? I'm starving and that coffee cart guy might have something else for us today too" he decided starting off with their usual jokes was better than going straight to Donna, a topic that had been an issue for Harvey since the moment Mike set foot at the firm.

"I don't have time, Mike - some of us have actual work to do around here" saying he was irritated was an understatement.

"Woah okay, Harvey. I just thought you might appreciate a break. You worked late last night too".

Harvey cut him off in a second "Don't talk to me about last night". Hearing this only made Mike more intrigued by the situation.

"Was the Jefferson case that bad? I heard Donna had helped you, I thought it went smoothly" he didn't imagine his boss would be so upset, but that didn't matter - it was evidently showtime anyway.

Harvey tried to hide a small chuckle "Her presence made things even worse."

That was not what Mike assumed he was going to hear, not at all. Maybe Rachel was right, maybe something did happen there.

Now he definitely had to know "What do you mean?"

Harvey's gaze went straight to the floor while he grabbed a glass of scotch and emptied it in two seconds, before he turned around, now facing the window.

"Okay, Harvey. I'll leave you alone" it's not like he was expecting Harvey Specter to open up so easily anyway.

It was when Mike was about to take one last step before leaving the office that Harvey finally spoke "I slept with her".

His body was still facing the window and his heart still stung from the memory of her leaving.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm back again with another – shorter – update!

Hope you guys will like this one too and will stay with me while I keep telling this story.

I'm so looking forward to hearing all of your opinions!

Thank you so much for your support,

Enjoy xx

**Chapter 3: ****But I wish you'd tell me to**

"What?!" Harvey had never seen Mike's eyes so wide before. He had left him at a loss for words.

"You heard me, Mike" he didn't want to say that again because deep down he was hoping that not hearing those words out loud could help him forget.

"You can't drop a bomb like that and expect me to just acknowledge the facts. You have to tell me everything right now" the puppy didn't know if he was more shocked or excited by the news. Had mom and dad finally decided to take the plunge?

"Mike, I thought you could guess from my mood that I really don't want to talk about any of that" Harvey was getting even more upset after seeing Mike's excitement, because, truth be told, there was nothing to be thrilled about.

"Okay, but just tell me, when did it happen?" there was no way in hell he was going to let Harvey get away with such a huge statement without spilling some details along the way.

Harvey was still facing the New York skyline through his office windows when he mumbled a "last night" while sipping the remains of the amber liquid from his glass.

"I thought you were working late last night" Mike moved closer to Harvey and half sat on his desk "Where?"

His mentor didn't answer but instead gave him a nod shifting his gaze to where Mike had unfortunately decided to sit five seconds earlier.

Oh no, they didn't.

"Oh please, this is gross" he immediately jumped off Harvey's desk, moving as far away as possible from it. "But seriously Harvey, what happened?"

The lawyer went on to tell Mike the whole story, starting with Mark and ending with him and Donna agreeing it was just a one-time fling.

That's when Harvey realized she hadn't used the word "mistake" that morning. Did that mean she didn't actually regret it?

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Donna and Mark had settled for a quick salad in a restaurant just across the firm. To be honest, she was starving but more than anything she wanted to clarify things with him as soon as possible, before rushing back to her massive workload.

"I'm glad you invited me to have lunch, Donna" Mark was flashing a genuine smile and his eyes were tracing her body as if he was replaying the events of that unfaithful night over and over in his head.

"I'm not sure you'll still be so glad once I've said my piece" she started, her hands shaking under the table and she suddenly felt like everyone in the restaurant was staring at them. Or, much worse, judging them.

Her sense of guilt was getting the better of her.

"What happened between us the other night can't happen again. I know we both feel like there's still something there, but _this can't be the way that things start up again with us_… I'm not saying I wouldn't be open to try, but as long as you're married, there won't be an us anymore"

"I understand" his eyes turned sad, but he couldn't say he hadn't seen it coming, after all he knew what kind of woman Donna was. He knew she had principles. "But seeing you again, being with you one more time made me realize that I want you in my life, Donna. I'm not going to make a move unless you want me to. But please, don't cut me out".

His eyes were now begging and, as much as she felt like giving in was only going to cause her a lot of trouble sooner or later, she just couldn't help herself "I won't. I guess we can start off as friends and see how that goes"

Deep down she knew, the only reason she said yes to his plea was because Mark made her feel wanted, something Harvey was never going to do.

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As she made her way down the halls to her office, lost in her own thoughts, fears and regrets, Rachel nearly attacked her with questions about her encounter with her ex-boyfriend "Donnaa how did your lunch go?"

Rachel knew everything about what had happened between Donna and Harvey because Mike spilled the beans five seconds after his conversation with Harvey had ended.

She didn't intend to drop all the questions on her friend like a bucket of ice-cold water - instead she wanted to wait for Donna to be ready to talk about a matter that the brunette knew hurt her the most.

"It was okay, you know… I told him nothing could happen between us ever again - not as long as he's married" her eyes travelling down until they reached the floor.

Her grief was loud. Why did things always have to go south with every man in her life? Either they were married or too proud to face their feelings.

"I'm so sorry, Donna" Rachel placed her head on the redhead's shoulder, gently stroking her arm.

Her heart was breaking for Donna, she just wanted her to be as happy as she herself was with Mike. After all, she would never have been with him if it hadn't been for her friend.

"I'll be okay" Donna put the fakest smile on her face, tenderly placing her own head on top of Rachel's, trying to hold back the tears.

At that point, it was clear she had no intention of addressing what had happened between her and her former boss, and Rachel understood it all.

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It was later that night that she found out she needed his signature on the Williamson deal and she had to go to his office to get it done. She knew he was there, she could see the lights still on. After all, they were basically next door.

She reluctantly got up from her chair and, after taking two or three deep breaths, started walking towards his office where she found him buried in his work.

"I'm sorry to bother you, I only need a quick signature on this deal, and I'll be out of your way" she didn't even look at him, she was sure she couldn't bare the sight of his deep brown eyes that night.

He quickly signed the piece of paper she had put on his desk and, before she got the chance to make her way out of that office, the one that held so many memories, she heard him address her.

"How did your lunch with you friend with benefits go? Or do you prefer former boyfriend that just so happens to be married to someone else now?"

He was unbelievable. Every inch of her body was fuming at this point.

"You just can't stop, can you? First you had to tease him by the elevators and now you're giving me a hard time after a long and stressful day at work" she wasn't planning on stopping now that it was all coming out. "But you know what Harvey, you should really stop joking about this whole situation because, what's the difference between what happened with me and Mark and the events of last night, because I don't see one"

"I never put you in the position of choosing between two people you deeply care about. That's the difference" he was visibly bothered by the fact she was comparing him to that douchebag.

"You made me choose between you and myself for all the time that we've been together, Harvey" she couldn't believe she was finally able to say that out loud, after all those years "And you know what? I'm so tired of it all" she let out a breath, rolling her eyes and letting her hands rest on her hips.

"If you're so tired then tell me Donna, why are you still in my office?" he was staring deep into her hazel eyes, seeking out any sort of connection.

"You're right, I should go" she turned around, but she was stopped again by his hoarse voice.

"Don't act like you didn't enjoy what happened between us the other night" he got up from his desk and was once again moving too close to her.

No, she wasn't going to let that happen again.

She turned around again, now facing him and this time around she was the one who had no intention of losing eye contact. "Don't act like you didn't feel anything when you fucked me on that desk, Harvey"

She heard an ironic laughter coming out of him "You wanna hear it? It did affect me. _I'm human, Donna. What do you think it did to me?_" his feet came even closer to her and his tone was getting lower and lower with every second.

"Wow, things never change with you. You never change" she felt the salty taste of her tears on her lips.

She couldn't believe it, even if she wasn't prepared to face it yet, that night with Harvey meant everything to her and once again, all he was able to tell her was that he was turned on by the whole situation. He was never going to grow up, and he was never going to be ready for her.

She got out of his office and literally ran towards Rachel's, almost losing her balance on her burgundy Prada heels.

By the time she reached her friend's office, rivers of tears were streaming down her pale face, wetting those beautiful auburn curls.

"Donna, what happe-" she was cut off in a split second by the redhead.

"I slept with him" she just couldn't hold back anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

Hi friends, here's the fourth chapter!

I have to say writing this one was very exciting, and I had so much fun! Also, this happens to be my favorite chapter among all the ones I've written so far!

I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did bringing this little one to life!

Once again, thank you for reading and sticking with me. I'm forever grateful for everyone's support.

Please, let me know your thoughts, I always love to hear from you.

Enjoy the ride xx

**Chapter 4: Retrace my lips, erase your touch**

She stood still in front of her friend for one or two minutes before either one of them dared to say anything.

Rachel already knew Donna and Harvey had had sex, but she wasn't expecting her best friend to rush into her office in a pool of tears so soon. She wanted to punch Harvey so badly, all he managed to do was hurt her, every fucking time.

"Come here" Rachel got up from her chair and held Donna in such a tight hug that she hoped could put all of her broken pieces back together.

Donna started sobbing on her shoulder while Rachel blurted out a soft "I'm here", caressing her long red locks and holding her closer.

"I slept with him and he broke my heart, again" her voice was barely audible as she whispered those words, her head never leaving Rachel's shoulder.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Donna lifted her head up, now face to face with her friend "I do."

Rachel hadn't intended to push her before, but now it seemed like Donna was ready to let her in and she wasn't going to leave her alone in this mess, not a chance.

"We slept together the night after Mark" she swallowed as the memories came flooding back.

Maybe it was all too much, but she needed someone to talk to, she needed to numb the pain.

"We got into a fight over him and before I knew it, we were kissing. It was rushed and unexpected, but it meant the world to me" that was the first time she was admitting the weight of those events out loud.

"But then, the next morning, I found him in my office and he told me he hadn't even bothered telling his girlfriend because what happened between us was nothing more than a one-time thing" her eyes browsing the floor now "I didn't know what to do, so I told him it was the same for me, just a night of sex"

"But it wasn't, was it?" Rachel remembered that conversation the two of them had had on her sofa a couple of years earlier and how much affected her best friend was by Harvey even back then.

"No, it wasn't" it had never been just sex with Harvey, not twelve years ago when they were younger and free, and surely not the last time, with all their baggage and their flaws.

"I have to tell you something" the brunette shifted her gaze towards Donna's eyes, the redhead's eyebrows arched in confusion "I already knew what had happened between the two of you"

"How?"

"Harvey told Mike. I didn't tell you anything, because I wanted you to come to me when you felt ready, I didn't want you to feel pushed" Rachel took Donna's hand in hers "But I'm glad you're here now."

Donna was more surprised than ever.

Did Harvey really open up to Mike about them? Why would he do something like that if their night hadn't meant anything to him?

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Donna woke up the next day thinking about anything but work. She considered taking the day off, after all, she hadn't done it in ages, but then she remembered she just couldn't live her life running away from her problems. And most of all, she couldn't keep running away from him.

She got a message from Louis, saying they were all being summoned to the conference room as soon as they'd get to the firm, so she quickly put her light coat on and ran to call a cab.

She was the last one to arrive, the NYC traffic was insane that morning. She sat next to Mike and got herself ready to hear Louis' urgent and dragging speech.

"Good morning everyone, I asked you all to come here to tell you we're hosting a gala event tomorrow night at the Plaza. The theme is going to be "Under the sea" as its aim will be to raise funds for the Handerson charity to fight plastic pollution in the Ocean. You are all very welcome to come and I don't think I need to remind you to dress properly"

Great, the last thing she needed was a stupid event full of people she didn't care about, an event where Harvey was bound to show up as well.

"Is it really necessary for all of us to come?" she had to at least try.

"Yes, Donna. Everyone has to be there, no excuses" she felt Harvey's gaze on her, she was sure he understood exactly why she had asked that question. She didn't want to be near him any more than she had to at work already.

But, apparently, she had no choice. She was required to go to that ludicrous gala event.

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Two hours later, already tired of her work day and still upset about the gala news, she decided it was time to treat herself to a hot cup of coffee.

As much as she hated the idea of having to dress up for that event, she couldn't stop thinking about the upcoming gala on her way to the executive kitchen. To be honest, she had always loved the firm parties, mostly because, even if most of the times she had attended the events by herself, she could always rely on Harvey to be her trustworthy partner there, the two of them dancing the night away every time that happened.

This time they were barely on speaking terms, but, maybe - she told herself – just maybe, he was going to be there for her. After all, every time she'd been in his arms, every time he made her spin around the dance floor, they had been nothing more than friends. Or at least that's what they've been telling themselves for twelve years.

Lost in her thoughts, she caught a glimpse of blonde hair inside Harvey's office. His girlfriend was sitting on his leather couch, his hands resting on her arm.

A flash of those same hands grabbing the inside of her tights while they came undone together crossed her mind, but she erased the image in a second when she overheard him speaking.

He was talking about the "Under the Sea" event, he was asking her to join him, so they could go as a couple.

She felt her stomach drop and her heart shutter in her chest. How could she have been so stupid to even think he was going to be there for her no matter what? He had a girlfriend and it was crystal clear he wanted to be with Paula, not with her.

She wasn't going to feel lonely the whole night at the gala though, she was going to find a partner and she already knew who she had to ask.

Forgetting about her much-desired cup of coffee, she went back to her office, grabbed her phone and dialed his number.

"Hi Mark, it's Donna" for the first time in days, she felt confident again.

"Donna, I didn't expect to hear from you so soon" he sounded happy. He was always happy when he heard her voice.

"I know, but I'm not calling for some chit-chat" she laughed, maybe throwing some jokes around would help ease the situation, she thought, "Look, we're hosting a charity gala at the Plaza tomorrow night and I was wondering if you'd be my plus one for the night… as friends" she asked him, stressing the last word to him and to herself.

She heard him take a deep breath on the other end of the phone, "I'd love to. Pick you up at eight?"

"Sounds perfect, see you tomorrow" she hung up the phone and immediately leaned back in her chair.

She did it. They had a date planned, as friends. And it sounded ridiculous just thinking about it.

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Donna and Mark arrived at the gala around half past eight and, after leaving their overcoats at the wardrobe, they made their way to the bar to each get a glass of champagne.

Her back was on display in that beautiful aquamarine dress with a slit that showed off her long beautiful legs and a V-cut neckline that emphasized her curves perfectly.

Her hair was up in an elegant bun leaving only a few auburn locks down, which accentuated her graceful features.

Everyone in the room would have agreed she looked stunning. The definition of perfect.

She experienced a sudden wave of confidence feeling all the eyes on her when she crossed the hall to get to the bar. That satisfying moment, unfortunately, didn't last very long.

She immediately spotted Harvey and Paula on the other side of the room, their arms intertwined as he was speaking with a client of his.

Paula was wearing a long black dress with a high neckline that created a smooth-looking silhouette out of her body.

Donna wasn't the kind of woman who liked to show off, but she really couldn't understand what Harvey saw in that woman. As much as she had disliked Harvey's girlfriends in the past, she had to admit they had always been beautiful and classy women. But Paula, just didn't seem like Harvey's type at all.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of Harvey's gaze on her. He had noticed she was there with Mark and she saw the fury in his eyes right after. She didn't care, it was time she started to take care of herself.

Or maybe she did care, and Harvey being upset had been the whole point of bringing Mark as a date in the first place?

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Twenty minutes after Donna and Mark appeared at the gala, Mike and Rachel followed suit.

Instantly aware of the awkward and tense situation, they parted, each one of them reaching out for their best friends.

"Harvey" Mike landed a pat on his friend's back "Look at you - all dressed up for this fine event"

Harvey was wearing a dark blue tux with a matching bow tie on top of it. He looked hot, smoking hot.

"I did my best. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for you" mocking Mike was one of his favorite hobbies

"Ouch, that hurts" his friend smiled before greeting Harvey's girlfriend "Hi, Paula, nice to see you again"

"My pleasure, Mike. Now if you boys excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom to apply some lipstick" the blonde started walking out of the hall towards the restrooms.

"She looks beautiful, you know" Mike tried to ease the situation since he knew they had a long night ahead of them.

"She does. That green dress looks perfect on her…" Harvey's tone was low and moody.

"Harvey, I was talking about Paula…"

Harvey turned his head only to be met with his friend giving him a confused look, mirroring that of his own.

Man, he was in a lot of trouble.

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Rachel moved next to Donna at the bar once she noticed Mark had excused himself to go say hello to some old friends.

"Hey" she smiled at the redhead, noticing how radiant she looked tonight.

"Hey Rach!" Donna smiled back at her, giving her a soft peck on her cheek

"So… you're here with Mark?"

"Before you jump to any conclusion, we're here as friends, nothing more" she started "I asked him to come with me, because I really couldn't stand the idea of coming here on my own"

"Because he's here with her?" her best friend really knew her that well, didn't she?

"Because he's here with her" There was no point in hiding herself from Rachel anymore, she understood her, and at this point a little support wouldn't hurt her either.

"I'm here for you Donna, whatever you need" Rachel grabbed Donna's hand and squeezed it tight.

"I know, I love you, Rach" she felt her eyes begin to water, but she held back the tears, she didn't want to ruin her impeccable make up after all.

"I love you too"

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The night was passing quite blandly, aside from the fact that Donna felt Harvey's eyes on her the entire time.

At this point she wasn't sure if it was all in her head, but she had sensed him all over her when she was dancing with Mark, talking to Louis or even listening to the charity speeches. All the time.

She needed a break, so she let go of Mark's arm and excused herself to go get some fresh air. That would definitely help her clear her mind at the moment.

As soon as Harvey spotted her leaving the room, his feet were guiding him towards her. He also excused himself, saying he needed to get something from his coat and that he'd be back in a few minutes.

Without letting Donna notice, he followed her and once they were close enough, he grabbed her arm and led her to the nearest closet, locking the door behind them.

"Harvey, what the hell?" she looked confused and he knew she was still mad at him for the way he had treated her the night before.

"You look beautiful" his brown eyes spoke louder than words, never leaving her body as he checked out Donna from head to toe.

"Thanks for noticing, now let me out of here" she started feeling anxious in such a tight space with him, so she turned around, trying to unlock the door.

Bad move Donna, really bad move.

She immediately felt his breath on her neck. Once again, he was too close to her, and they were in a dark cupboard. Alone.

"Don't go" she could easily feel the sadness in his voice and her hands dropped helplessly against the door lock.

"What do I have here to make me stay?" Was she referring to that particular moment or her whole life in New York? Neither one of them really knew at that point.

"I…" Harvey tried to mumble some words, yet without any result.

"You can't even say it, Harvey, and we've been down this road once before. Please, just let me go"

Her mind brought her back to that night on her couch years before.

"_I should go"_

"_Why?"_

"_You know why"_

"_You know I love you, Donna"_

And then, her heart broke as she remembered the day after that, in his office.

"_Love me how?"_

"_You are capable of looking at me that way, but you don't want to let those worlds collide because you're afraid to risk anything"_

"_Because we have everything"_

"_No, Harvey, you have everything!"_

Still, three years later, they were in the same place, but maybe this time was even worse because they did cross the line and she was sure there was no going back.

"Donna, you know I've never been good with words…" she didn't expect him to speak first, she was expecting him to leave, like he had always done. Leaving was what Harvey Specter did best.

He was still standing behind her and she suddenly felt the cold of his hands reaching the slit of her dress, touching her thigh "But you know that I can show you how" his hand now travelling upwards, too close to where she was feeling extremely hot.

"You know I lied that morning after our night, you know what I really felt. Because we both did" she couldn't face him, she was suddenly frozen to the spot. Was he really admitting his feelings for once?

Or maybe he only wanted to blow off some steam. Either way, in that moment, she didn't care.

To hell with it.

She finally turned around to face him, but his eyes weren't as she expected them to be.

He was visibly turned on, but, for the first time, she felt wanted by Harvey Specter, and not just physically.

Her mouth instantly found his and his hand kept moving up her thigh as their tongues intertwined.

He reached for her thong and pulled it down her legs, leaving her fully exposed to him. Without saying a word, he slipped one finger inside her wet folds, making her shiver at the intrusion.

She had had his fingers inside her once before, and she could never forget how good that felt.

From time to time, over the years, she caught herself staring at Harvey's hands. She loved them and they'd always been an instant turn on for her. Because no matter how skilled he could be in bed, nothing could top what Harvey Specter was able to do to her with his mighty hands.

As he heard her gulp, her slid another finger inside her and started pumping them, his mouth leaving hers only to move to her neck, kissing every exposed freckle of hers.

She was sure she was in heaven and, as soon as he arched his masterly fingers inside her, hitting that same spot that brought her to the edge two nights before – and twelve years ago - she let out a maybe-too-loud "Harvey…" and came undone.

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It'd been twenty minutes since Donna had left to get a breath of fresh air and Mark started to feel a bit worried, so he decided to go look for her.

He made his way out of the ballroom and when he was almost out of the building, he heard something that caught his attention coming from a near closet.

"Harvey…" he was sure it was her.

She had never moaned his name that way in all the time they'd been together.

Mark understood everything. Why she had looked so anxious at the restaurant, why she'd invited him at the gala and why she so nervous the entire night ever since Harvey had got there.

It was him, it had always been him.

But this time, he was going to make things different for them.

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Donna grabbed her panties from the floor as Harvey adjusted his bow tie, all messed up from their frenetic activities. None of them had found the courage to speak yet.

Harvey went first "It happened again" his voice sounded affectionate, but she could still sense a bit of disappointment behind it all. Not towards her though, but towards himself.

Her heart was torn into pieces once again. She realized that _she had made him the one thing he had never wanted to be_.

"I'm so sorry, Harvey" she didn't know why she was apologizing, it was him who egged her on to sleep with him the first time and it was him who started touching her tonight.

But she knew it had also finally hit him, what all of this meant for him. He had done what he had been hating about his past for years and he didn't know if he'd be able to forgive himself for that.

She cared so much about Harvey that she felt the need to make him understand that she was sorry.

"You don't have to apologize, Donna…" she could see the pain in his eyes brought by the sudden realization "I'm going to tell her, I have to"

She nodded in agreement and unlocked the door to go back to the party.

Little did she know what was awaiting her behind that doorway.

As soon as they got out of the cupboard, her eyes landed on Mark, sitting on the sofa right in front of her.

He knew.

She could see it in his eyes. She could sense the grief from being tossed in that same old spot once again.

She walked up to him right away, looking for the right words to explain the situation and apologize to him.

"Mark… I can explain" her lips were quivering, and her hands were trembling.

"I get it, Donna. I get it all" his tone was low, and his eyes were searching for hers, while she was putting every effort to look away from him. She couldn't handle any more pain.

"I'm sorry…" was all she could manage to say

"Let me finish. I know you're stuck Donna, you just can't get over him. And I get it, because I just can't get over you…" where was he going with this?

"I wanted to tell you this on our way home, because I wanted to surprise you, but I guess I'm just going to come out and say it to you right now, since I don't even know if you'll drive back with me anymore" those last few words sounded bitter and he was having a hard time finishing putting into words what was on his mind.

"Yesterday, I filed for a divorce, Donna. I'm leaving my wife because I'm not happy"

Her mouth was now wide open, and her heart was almost jumping out of her chest. He really was doing this for her, wasn't he?

"I'm not going to put you in the same position I did back then. I lost you once to him and I'm not going to risk losing you again.

So, Donna, I'm going to be here for you, I'm going to wait for you as long as you need, because I want to be with you" he got closer to her and gave her a sweet kiss on her cheek "Take your time and when you'll be ready, you know where to find me. I am not going anywhere without you"

After leaving her with those romantic words, he headed straight for the wardrobe, grabbed his coat and took off in a yellow cab.

She hadn't been able to say anything to him because their whole conversation had overwhelmed her too much.

As she turned her head around, trying to make sense of all the events that had happened that night, she saw Harvey, standing behind a column, dumbstruck.

He had heard Mark's entire speech and he was looking at her with begging eyes, almost saying "Please, don't go, I want you to choose me. I need you to choose me. Again"

She closed her eyes, wishing she could just take a break from all of that mess.

On one side, there was her ex, ready to leave his wife for her because he wanted her. Someone who was ready to put her first, although that someone wasn't Harvey.

On the other, there was a man who hadn't been able to face his feelings for her for twelve years, who couldn't even say those three words and was now shuttered by the guilt. But that man was Harvey, and he made her feel everything.

What was she supposed to do?


	5. Chapter 5

Happy Sunday everyone,

Chapter five is here!

Hope you'll enjoy it, and please note I am sorry for the pain (am I?)

Thank you for your support and please, let me know what you think of this!

Lots of love xx

**Chapter 5: It's all too much for me**

He had asked Ray to drive him to the office very early that morning. It wasn't even 8 o'clock yet and there he was already - sitting at his desk, drinking a cup of coffee.

"_Black, two sugars and a splash of vanilla" _

His mind started replaying all the events of last night, especially what happened after he had left the gala.

_Harvey and Paula took the limo and went straight to her place. _

_She had started unbuttoning his jacket, but he stopped her immediately "Paula, I need to tell you something" _

"_What is it?"_

_If she was being honest with herself, she had sensed that there had been something different about him these last few days, but she'd always been blind when it came to their relationship, ignoring all the red flags she, as a therapist, should have definitely taken into consideration._

"_I don't know how to tell you this…" his lips were trembling at the mere thought of saying all of that out loud. "Donna and I, we slept together" - and the only place my hands have willingly travelled tonight was inside her - he should have added. But, of course, he couldn't._

_The blonde stood still for a couple of seconds and Harvey just couldn't read her. Her face was impassive, with no sign of hurt or anger._

"_When?" her tone was oddly calm, as if she had seen this coming._

"_A couple of nights ago, in my office" _

"_I can't believe it… I should have known better than to date a patient of mine who I knew had been in love with another woman all along…" she didn't sound angry while saying those words though, she sounded surprisingly hopeful._

"_But the truth is… I love you, Harvey" _

_Love him? They had just started seeing each other. He didn't want to hurt Paula, not at all, he probably even had some feelings for her, otherwise he wouldn't have started a relationship with her in the first place, right? Yet he was sure that what he was feeling for Paula wasn't love. _

_He wasn't expecting her to come out with those three words and that, on top of the already difficult situation, left him speechless._

"_So that's it, you tell me you cheated on me with your former secretary, I tell you I love you and you grow silent?" tears started streaming down her red cheeks. "Harvey… we can make it work" she was now gesturing between the two of them. "We can get past this" _

"_I'm sorry Paula, I can't" those were the only words that he found the courage to say out loud that night._

_He left her without even a hug, he just ran out of her place, never looking back._

_They were over._

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Donna was in the kitchen putting some honey in her cup of tea when she felt his presence behind her.

"Hey" Harvey was standing at the entrance, the bags under his eyes even more evident than ever. He probably hadn't slept at all last night.

"Hey…" she felt there was a lot in the air, a lot of unspoken truths.

"I just wanted to tell you that she knows… It's over"

She felt a wave of relief upon hearing his words, but she knew that was incredibly selfish. It must have been incredibly hard for Harvey to tell Paula, especially after all the issues with his mom.

"_Are you okay?"_ she was telling him with her eyes that she was there for him, no matter what was going on between the two of them.

"_Will you forgive me?" _

He had never looked so broken, he had lost everything he had, everything he used to value about himself.

He couldn't lose her too.

"_Yes"_ she was too caught up in the moment to come up with a more elaborate answer.

"_Then I'm okay" _

She knew him well enough to believe he was broken to pieces inside "But you aren't really, are you?"

"Donna…"

"Harvey, please, let's stop with the lies, okay? We are not okay, and we definitely aren't back to normal" For God's sake, she didn't even know what normal was anymore. "We fucked things up, quite literally, and now we don't know how to fix it … but we both know how we felt doing it all"

She noticed he was shaking his head "I can't be with you, Donna"

His words hit her hard as soon as he blurted them out "What?"

"I'm not ready… Every time I look at your face, all I can think of is that night and all I can see are the mistakes I've made, all the times I've hurt you over the years… I am just not ready" his hand was now wiping away a tear.

It was the first time Donna had seen Harvey cry in front of her.

"You deserve someone who can make you happy, not someone who has been breaking your heart over and over again for twelve years".

"You don't know what I deserve…" tears were now in her eyes too.

"The best, that's what you deserve, Donna" he got closer to her, intertwining his hands with hers. "I want you to know that this is not your fault… I need you to know that" his eyes were staring so deep into hers that she could swear they had reached her heart.

"I know…"

Harvey leaned closer to her and gave her a soft peck on her cheek.

The same cheek Mark had kissed the night before, with the promise of waiting for her, had now been kissed goodbye by Harvey, her more.

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Her heart was still aching from the conversation with Harvey. Now she was sure that she had lost him forever.

And the thing that hurt her the most was knowing he had finally come to terms with his feelings for her, but the way they handled their relationship, the mess they had created in the last few days, now made it impossible for them to be happy together.

Moving on from Harvey would be one of the hardest things she had ever done, but she knew she couldn't be stuck pining over him for the rest of her life.

"_You deserve someone who can make you happy"_

But, was there even someone out there who could make her happy, someone other than him?

Honestly, she didn't know, but at least she had to try.

After all, she had some moments of happiness during her relationship with Mark, maybe they could build a future together, maybe they could find some well-earned joy.

She grabbed her phone and called him, before she got the time to change her mind.

"Hi Mark, it's me"

"Hi Donna" he sounded very surprised to hear from her.

"Look, I've been going over what you said to me last night and it got me thinking… why don't we give ourselves another chance - over dinner, tonight?" deep down she was already regretting her choice.

"It's a date?" she felt him smiling on the other end of the phone.

"It's a date" she kindly replied to him before hanging up.

So, it was true. Donna Paulsen was settling in her love life. She never thought she would be seeing the day.

But maybe, she wasn't so special after all. Maybe she was just like any other woman.

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While Donna was talking to Mark, someone else was making another phone call, only an office away from her.

"Mom, it's me" he was sitting on his leather couch, already sipping a glass of scotch even if it was only noon.

"Harvey, it's so great to hear from you" Lily was always happy to hear her son's voice. Him forgiving her would always remain one of the best moments of her life.

"Can I ask you something?" he sounded upset and sore, and his mom immediately sensed that something was off with him.

"What's wrong, Harvey?"

"I messed up, mom, really bad…" he felt a knot in his throat, and he had to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes.

"Do you remember when I told you that someone special to me had convinced me to make things right with you?"

"Of course I do" how could she forget? She still had to thank that woman for giving her her son back.

"Her name is Donna and we've been working together for more than twelve years… but before we came to the firm, we got together once. We decided to put it out of our minds, and we had worked great as friends for some time... but lately our lines have become too blurry and… we ended up getting together again" he stopped to take a deep breath before getting to the hardest part.

"The problem is… I was in a relationship with someone else when we did, and I ended up breaking my girlfriend's heart… but not before I broke Donna's"

Lily could sense the huge amount of guilt her son was feeling, even over the phone "Harvey…"

"Mom, I spent so many years hating what you did, refusing to forgive you because I couldn't get past your actions and now, I find myself in the same situation… I'm such a hypocrite" somehow letting it all out had eased a bit of his pain.

"You're not, dear…Look, I'm not going to tell you that what you did was right, because we both know I'd be lying. But life, sometimes it hits you from the sideways and you just can't see it coming your way.

We are not our actions and we definitely are not our past, but we can learn from it and we can do better. I am treasuring every moment you are giving me by your side, and I am trying to do better. I am sure you can do the same, son, because you are a good man, Harvey Specter"

He really had missed out on so many great memories with his family and he realized it more and more every time he spoke with his mom, every time she gave him advice like this one.

"I love you, mom"

"I love you too"

Her words meant so much to him. Right now, he wasn't ready for Donna, he needed to be on his own for some time, he needed to clear his mind and his soul.

But maybe it wasn't too late, maybe he could fix things with her once he figured out how to fix himself.

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Her dinner with Mark went great. He had taken her to Le Bernardin and they spent the whole night talking about their lives.

He had insisted on escorting her home after dinner, so they took a cab together and once they were standing in front of her building, she felt a sudden wave of panic.

She didn't want to sleep with him that night, not yet. She wanted things to go slow this time, because every time she tried to rush things in her relationships, she had done nothing but mess everything up.

"Thank you for tonight, Donna. Thank you for taking the chance on me" Mark was smiling, and his eyes were full of joy. He still couldn't believe she had called, he couldn't believe she had chosen him over Harvey.

"I had a great time tonight" she smiled back at him, her hand finding his arm and stroking it. She didn't know why she did it, maybe she just needed to feel someone closer to her.

Mark got the hint and leaned in, letting his mouth find hers. At first, she felt shivers down her spine at the contact, as if she wasn't ready to feel a taste different than Harvey's just yet, but in the end, she relaxed into his touch and let his tongue inside her mouth.

She stopped him before things could get too much out of control and he understood. They had plenty of time.

She waved her hand at him as he got in the cab, then made her way inside her building.

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Donna was battling with her keys, trying to open the door, when she heard her phone ringing.

She read the name on the screen and she froze on the spot.

"_Harvey Specter"_

Why was he calling her so late?

Ultimately, she decided to answer. She couldn't help herself when it came to Harvey.

"Harvey"

"Donna, hi… I know it's late, I'm sorry" his voice sounded sad, as if he had just stopped crying.

"Don't worry, I just got home, what do you need?" she tried to sound calm in order to ease the tension.

"You had a date?" she heard his tone go lower and she could swear he sank deeper into his sofa when he heard her words.

"I did. I was out, with Mark…"

Why was she feeling bad saying it out loud to him? He was the one who told her they couldn't be together, that he couldn't make her happy.

"Oh…" his voice cracked and so did his heart.

"Harvey…" she was so tired of these pointless conversations that always led to her crying in the bathroom or drowning herself in wine all night.

"Look, Donna, I don't know why I called… I remember what I told you today and I know I'm a mess right now, but… I just can't stop thinking about you, about what happened between us"

He really was doing this again., wasn't he?

He had hurt her in the morning with his decisions, but at least she had come to terms with the fact that a future together was off the table.

Then why did he have to retrace his steps? He had no right.

"You can't keep doing this. You can't play with my heart as if it was your baseball ball"

"I know, I'm sorry…"

They were both deeply hurt and there was no other way out.

"Harvey… you have to let me let you go".


	6. Chapter 6

Time for chapter six friends!

We're getting closer to the end, but I am loving every second of it.

Please, let me know what you think of this update and as always, thank you for being here with me.

Enjoy xx

**Chapter 6: Our love is six feet under**

It had been a week since that heartbreaking phone call. Her own words were still echoing in her mind.

"_You have to let me let you go"_

Harvey and Donna had barely spoken since that night. Their contacts had been purely work-related, but she still caught him staring at her during meetings and it took her everything she had in herself not to melt on the spot.

She missed him. Their smiles, the drinks they used to share every night after work in each other's offices, the flirty banter that had been there between them since their first week at the DA's office, his calls at six in the morning or at midnight when he needed someone. Everything.

And, most of all, she missed her best friend and now she knew for sure that she was still in love with him.

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.

Harvey was going through some files for his most recent case when he heard a familiar knock on his office door.

"Scottie" Harvey was quite shocked to see her, he wasn't expecting a visit any time soon.

"Harvey" she was leaning on his door in a tight black dress and a light brown coat over it.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?" he smiled at her, after all he was always happy to see her, he still cared a lot about his ex-girlfriend.

"Well, I just wanted to see how my good old friend was doing" she smirked at him.

"_And…?"_ Harvey smirked back, knowing there was more.

"_And what?"_ her face looked perplexed, even though she was actually amazed by how well the other lawyer knew her.

"_You didn't come all the way down here just to ask me that"_ Harvey's grin never left his face as he got up from his desk and put his hands in his pockets.

"_You don't make it easy, do you?"_ Scottie was now stepping closer to him, moving a strand of brown hair behind her ear.

"_Last time that we saw each other, you told me that you were seeing someone about yourself and you asked if when you were done, you could call me…"_ she looked up and her gaze was met with his brown eyes. Their height difference had always been something she loved about their relationship.

"_I remember…"_ honestly, he wasn't ready to go down that road again, not after everything that had happened during the past few weeks.

"_Well… are you done? Did you… fix yourself?"_ she let out a soft chuckle and he couldn't help smiling back at her.

"_Let's just say I'm a… a work in progress"_ now he was the one who was laughing, probably at the mess he had made, despite all his attempts at therapy.

"_What does that mean?"_ Scottie was now more intrigued than ever.

He let out a deep breath _"A year after I stopped with my therapist, I started seeing her…"_

His therapist?! Wow, Harvey Specter was always full of surprises _"I'm guessing it didn't work out"_

He shook his head _"It didn't… It was complicated"_ he had no intention of going deeper into explanations, especially with Scottie.

She blurted out the words without letting even a second pass after his response _"Did Donna have anything to do with that complication?"_

Apparently, going deeper wasn't even necessary, she hit him right where it hurt the most without any trouble.

"_Why do you ask?"_ his face revealed that he wasn't surprised by the question. Actually, he seemed hurt, as if everyone had known about the feelings he and Donna shared for each other long before he did himself.

"_That's all I needed to know" _

"Scottie I-" he tried to give her some sort of explanation when what he actually wanted was for her to explain what she meant.

Scottie was a smart woman and she immediately got the hint "Look Harvey, I've always known there was something between you and Donna. _You've been as close as two people can be without being that_ for so many years. Maybe I wasn't willing to admit it when we were together, because I desperately wanted to make things work between us, but now I am.

You and I, we probably weren't meant to be, but things could have gone profoundly better if you had been honest with me from the start… It's time for you to be honest with her, and with yourself".

Harvey was standing there, speechless, shifting his gaze from the floor to Scottie's eyes, almost ashamed of all the pain he had put her through during their relationship.

"You know I once asked her if she loved you, Harvey?" Now his eyes found hers in a matter of seconds, his face turning pale.

"You did?"

"It happened many years ago, when I was still working here…"

"What did she say?" he was terrified by the possible outcome of that question, and he didn't even know what would scare him the most - hearing "yes" or "no" for an answer.

"It doesn't matter which words came out of her mouth… what really matters is what her heart said" Scottie took one step towards Harvey and grabbed one of his hands "And Harvey, I've watched your heart screaming those same feelings for years, you just never listened to it"

She caught a small tear dropping from his brown eyes. He could be so oblivious sometimes, but she was sure he finally understood.

"Harvey, _I hope you're finally seeing what everyone sees_" she placed her tiny hand on his cheek, wiping away his tears "She's the one for you"

"She's with someone else, Scottie…" he whispered under his breath, clearly not ready to say it out loud.

"And do you think she would be if you had given the two of you a real chance in the first place?"

Her words hit him like a ton of bricks.

Scottie gave him a quick smile while making her way out of his office "It's always nice to see you, Harvey"

She disappeared before he could process her words, before he could even say goodbye.

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"Hi, Rach, you wanted to see me?" Donna waltzed into her friend's office with a big smile on her face.

She looked very happy today, and Rachel was already feeling guilty, because she knew she was about to take that joy away from her.

"Hi Donna, yeah, there's something I need to tell you" the brunette gave her a tender smile while gesturing for her to come sit by her desk.

Donna did as she was told, giving the brunette a puzzled look. She really couldn't understand where that conversation was going.

"So, Mike and I saw father Walker last night and he told us we should do a wedding rehearsal, just to make sure everything will go smoothly during our big day…" Rachel paused, and she was sure Donna got the hint of the subject her friend was about to approach.

"And since, you know, you and Harvey are the maid of honor and best man, he told us you're supposed to be there during the rehearsal as well… I know a lot has happened between you guys lately and I know you're not exactly on good terms right now, so if you don't feel like doing this, I completely understand"

"Rach, don't even try to say it! I am thrilled for you and I'll be there for you, every step of the way" her hands were now gently caressing the brunette's arm "Remember what I once made you promise?"

Of course Rachel did, it was one of the moments that made her realize how lucky she was to have Donna Paulsen as her best friend.

"_Promise me. No matter what is going on with my life, you won't feel bad about telling me all the good things in yours"_

"I do" Rachel smiled and place her hand on top of Donna's.

"Me and Harvey are adults, we can be in the same room without biting our heads off, and surely we can do it for our best friends" _the lies we tell ourselves_ \- Donna thought.

"Thank you, Donna"

Rachel got up from her chair and hugged the redhead, who whispered a soft "I love you so much" in her friend's ear and got an even softer "I love you too" in response.

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.

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.

The thought of the wedding rehearsal had been hunting Donna ever since Rachel had told her about it.

She was being honest when she told her friend that she was going to be there for her, but she still wasn't sure her feelings for Harvey wouldn't come in the way of it.

As she was getting lost in her thoughts, a worried Louis rolled into her office "Donna I need you to hel- " He stopped himself the second he saw her concerned expression.

"Donna, is everything okay? _You look like you've just seen a ghost_"

She had to lie, she couldn't tell Louis the real reason she was upset "Yeah, I'm just a little tired, that's all"

She noticed that her friend didn't look that cheerful or relaxed either – well, at least not as relaxed as Louis Litt could be.

"What about you? You look tense"

"It's nothing…"

Oh please, she was Donna Paulsen, she could have sensed the reason was huge from miles away.

"Louis, you can talk to me"

"It's about Sheila" his eyes travelled to the floor while he started playing with his fingers.

"_I slept with her, Donna, and… I told you she was getting married"_ she could see he was so ashamed of it. If only he knew how much she could relate to that.

For a moment she didn't say a word and that scared the shit out of him "Donna, are you judging me? Because I thought I could tell you anyth-"

"I slept with Harvey" maybe they could be there for each other in these difficult moments after all.

"I know Donna, you told me that years ago. What does this have to do with my situation?"

Good lord, _how could he be such a good lawyer and not see what was right in front of his face?_

"No, Louis, I meant we slept together a few weeks ago"

He was shocked by the news and he needed a few seconds to process her words.

"Oh my god, but wait a second, wasn't he with Paula?"

"He was… and now, they're not together anymore. Me and Harvey barely shared a word in a week and I'm dating my former boyfriend, who was married, but not anymore, because he chose me" oh and I want to be with Harvey – she wanted to add but didn't.

She kept going "And to top it all off, now I have to go to Mike and Rachel's wedding rehearsal with Harvey, pretending everything's okay the whole time, because we have our duties as maid of honor and best man, and we owe it to them"

She took a huge breath once she was done, as if she had just freed herself from the heaviest burden of her life.

"Donna, I am so sorry" Louis couldn't find the right words to say to her and that hit him hard, because he had always been the best man when it came to giving speeches.

"My life is a mess at the moment," she chuckled, trying to find some kind of irony in it all.

"Well, at least we can get through our messy lives together" Louis sat on the couch next to his friend, leaning his head on her shoulder.

"We can" she gave him a kiss on the forehead, mentally thanking Pearson Specter Litt for giving her the best family she could have ever asked for.

.

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.

It was six o'clock when Donna found herself in a cab that was taking her to the church Mike and Rachel had chosen for their wedding.

She was feeling very anxious, but at least she had something to look forward to: her and Mark had agreed to have a date right after this.

As soon as she entered the building, she spotted the couple standing near the altar and Harvey sitting on the bench right in front of them.

Donna happily waved at Rachel and reluctantly took some steps forward, sitting next to Harvey.

"Hi" that was probably the first word he had said to her in four or five days.

"Harvey" she replied, not even bothering looking at his face.

Thank god father Walker addressed everyone then and, therefore, put an end to that awkward moment. "Okay, now that we are all here, we're going to start rehearsing the ceremony.

Donna and Harvey, you should stand over there and get ready to walk down the aisle, while you two love birds may begin reciting your vows here"

They all did as they'd been told and, once Mike was ready to start, Harvey gestured to Donna, silently asking her if he could grab her arm.

She wasn't ready to feel his touch again, but she knew she had to do it for Rachel, so she quietly nodded.

They were finally all set, so, Mike began his speech.

"_From the first second I met you, I knew I wanted to be here with you someday. Walking down the aisle, arm in arm"_

Mike's vows were definitely not helping her.

She was arm in arm with the man she knew in her heart was the love of her life, listening to their friend talking about being _together forever_, when she was sure she could never have that with Harvey.

The whole situation was too overwhelming for her.

"_I know that I fought it at first, but now, Mike, I can't imagine living alongside anyone else for the rest of my life"_

Rachel's words were hitting him hard, just like Scottie's did in the morning.

If he was being honest with himself, whenever he thought about Donna, it just felt like they had always been together. From that time she cried and he let her parents stay at his condo to their breakfast at Nougatine, and all the times she had comforted him when he was nearly broken because of his countless issues.

Could an unfaithful night really have blown all of those memories and affection away?

Had he really wasted too much time and lost her forever?

By the time Harvey and Donna reached the altar, the other pair had almost finished reciting their vows. Harvey was standing in front of Mike, while Donna was mirroring him next to Rachel.

"_I know that there's nothing I can't handle when I have you by my side"_

"_You're the husband I've always wanted"_

Harvey and Donna both looked at each other and shared a sweet glance, as if they were both saying "Forget the pain, the wounds and the tears. No matter what's coming tomorrow or what the future holds. One day, this is going to be us".

She was lost in the moment and she wished she could just stop time, so that they could remain the same Harvey and Donna they were in that moment forever.

Then she remembered, she was about to have a date with Mark.

And yet all Donna could think about was how much she wanted to be Harvey's wife.


	7. Chapter 7

Happy Thursday everyone!

Chapter seven is waiting for you!

I am a bit sad to say, we're getting closer and closer to the end of this amazing journey.

Hope you'll like this one and I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

Lots of love and enjoy the ride xx

**Chapter 7: If our grave was watered by the rain**

Donna decided to focus all of her efforts on her date with Mark, trying – unsuccessfully – to forget about all the emotions she had felt during Mike and Rachel's wedding rehearsal.

This time they settled for something less fancy, and she was thankful for that, because at least her Gino's pizza slice was somehow warming her heart.

She had to admit Mark was doing great so far. He had started talking about their past relationship, remembering all the adventures they used to share together, and that was giving her hope. Hope that maybe they could build a new life, that they could really start over.

She caught herself having a light-hearted laugh when suddenly Mark smiled at her and took her hand in his.

"I signed the divorce papers yesterday, Donna. I'm officially a single man" but my heart is already taken by you – his eyes added with no need of any words.

She was overwhelmed by the news, probably because she didn't think his divorce process would happen so fast.

This meant that things with Mark were about to become serious, that they were about to become real.

She didn't know if she was ready yet, but she made the promise to take care of herself from now on, and in order to do that, she needed to try.

"That's… that's great" she smiled at him, her eyes travelling to his lips.

"It is" his hand now reached her cheek, cupping it gently "And Donna, there's something else I need to tell you…"

Her hazel eyes grew bigger and bigger with every word that left Mark's mouth, while hers was hanging open.

He had rendered her speechless, her face clearly showing the shock she was feeling at the moment.

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.

The morning came and she made her way to the firm carrying her triple whip double fat mocha latte with caramel.

About twelve hours had passed and she still hadn't recovered from her date with Mark.

While she was walking down the halls of the firm, trying to get to her office and get some work done, she spotted a familiar – but not so pleasant – face coming out of Harvey's office.

Donna tried to turn around, she really wanted to avoid whatever kind of conversation was coming her way. But it was too late, the blonde had already seen her.

Paula had come to the firm only to give Harvey back the shirt he had left at her house a couple of weeks before. Her plan was to leave it on his desk, hoping that she wouldn't have to run into him or anyone at all.

But apparently it all went out of the window because she noticed a glimpse of red hair as soon as she stepped outside Harvey's office.

Donna was the last person Paula wanted to see, but she got pretty upset when she figured out Donna had seen her too and was also trying to avoid her.

"I know you've seen me" she called the redhead out with a petty tone.

Donna closed her eyes and took a deep breath, moving closer to the blonde "I'm sorry, Paula"

"Spare me your apologies, I really don't need them"

Donna was standing still in front of her, no words leaving her mouth. She had been left speechless way too many times lately.

"You've had twelve years to have him all for yourself - twelve years, Donna. But you had to take him while he was with someone else…" Paula's eyes were now visibly full of pain and disappointment.

"Paula, I'm so sorry I hurt you, it was never my intention, but I can assure you, I didn't make the first move…" Donna didn't even know why she was telling her that, the last thing she wanted was to throw Harvey under the bus after all the pain she knew he was experiencing.

"I don't need the details, Donna… but I want to give you some advice. Honestly, I shouldn't even bother doing this, but I think it's time I said my piece" the blonde was now looking straight into Donna's eyes, clearly showing some pity for the shameful situation she was in.

"As long as you two don't face the feelings you clearly have towards each other, you're only going to keep hurting other people in the process, people who don't deserve to be hurt at all"

After those words left her mouth, she made her way to the elevators, without even letting Donna say anything at all.

To be fair, she probably wouldn't even have been able to give her a response. Her mind was already full of challenging thoughts and Paula's speech did nothing but add fuel to the fire.

But Donna knew Paula was right – she might not like the woman, but she surely had a point.

For both her and Harvey, keeping their feelings bottled up inside for so many years had done nothing but cause pain and hurt people who didn't deserve it, yet trying to act on those feelings had ended up breaking both of their hearts even more.

It was time for her to find the courage to face the truth, the only way to heal was to move on from each other.

That's why she found herself shifting her focus back to her date with Mark and the conversation they shared.

.

.

.

.

Two hours later, Rachel walked into her office with a bag of Thai food in hand and a big smile on her radiant face.

They had decided to spend their lunch break together so that Donna could bring Rachel up to speed about her love life.

"Hi Donna! I'm here and I haven't come empty-handed" she placed the bag on the table in front of her sofa, as she took a seat right next to Donna.

"So…how are things going with Mark?"

Donna had told her she was dating her former boyfriend a couple of days ago, right after their first official date. Actually, it happened right after her heartbreaking phone call with Harvey.

"_Donna, hey" Rachel was surprised that her friend was calling her so late, she had never done that before, "What's going on?" she asked, sounding extremely worried over the phone._

"_Rach I-" Donna had been crying a lot and Rachel could surely sense that judging by her shaky voice._

"_Hey, I'm here, okay? I'm here" she really wanted to come over to Donna's place to comfort her, but she figured that maybe it wasn't the best idea._

"_I just got home from a date, with Mark" Donna was a bit calmer now and found the courage to open up to her best friend "He filed for a divorce, you know? He chose me…"_

"_Wow Donna, that's amazing! Aren't you happy about it?" Rachel was trying to bring Donna to tell her what the problem was, even though she had already figured it out._

"_I guess I am" _

"_Then, why have you been crying?"_

_Her best friend knew her better than anyone – well, maybe not anyone, no one knew her better than him._

"_It's Harvey… he just called me, he told me that he can't stop thinking about what happened, about us" tears found her eyes again in a matter of seconds._

"_Oh, Donna, I am so sorry" Rachel felt lost, her friend didn't deserve to still be stuck on that never-ending emotional rollercoaster._

"_I told him he has to let me let him go…but Rach, the truth is, I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it" _

_She was being the most honest she had been in years now, she was finally facing every hard truth about her relationship with Harvey._

"_I can't give you an answer to that, but I can tell you I'll be by your side, every step of the way"_

"_Thank you, Rach… I better get some sleep now"_

"_Okay, Donna. See you tomorrow"_

_The redhead hung up her phone and went straight to bed, hoping a good night's sleep could help her feel better._

Donna's mind quickly went back to their present conversation, as she tried to put together an answer that could be acceptable enough to her best friend.

"It's actually going pretty good, we had dinner together last night" Donna sounded happy while telling Rachel everything and the brunette had to admit, that really warmed her heart.

"But there's something I need to tell you"

As soon as Donna started talking, Rachel's mouth hung open in surprise and she was left speechless.

.

.

.

.

Once they were done with lunch, Rachel left Donna to review some work files and went straight to the kitchen because she was in desperate need of a strong black coffee.

While she was pouring herself a cup, the brunette felt a pair of strong arms around her tiny waist.

"Hey, you" Mike softly whispered in her ear "I've been missing you a little extra today" he said while planting a kiss on her neck.

"Mike, I just saw you an hour ago" she turned around, now facing him "But I've missed you too" she gave him a soft peck on his lips.

Rachel knew her fiancé had spent the morning working on a tough case with his boss and she immediately seized the opportunity to test the waters "How did your morning with Harvey go?"

"Really? I've been here for two minutes and you're already going down that road?" Mike laughed while pulling her closer, "I should feel very, very offended"

"Oh c'mon, if you behave, I might reward you later" a huge smirk was forming on her face, while her hands came to rest on his chest.

"It went well, we didn't talk about Donna though, if that's what you were meaning to ask"

"You know me that well, don't you?"

"Some may say even better than I know myself"

His hand pulled a lock of her brown hair behind her ear and as soon as he noticed Rachel's teasing look, he figured out her intentions "Okay, okay, I'll try to talk to him later".

"Thank you, Mike" she moved her hands up to his face, cupping it

Mike's blue eyes were staring deep into hers "You're impossible".

She gave him a loving kiss, allowing his tongue to find hers.

"But you love me for it" her hands were back resting on his defined chest "Oh and Mike, I just got some news and I think there's a pressing matter we need to discuss".

.

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.

An hour later, Mike marched inside Harvey's office, ready to live up to the promise he had made to his fiancé.

"Any chance Butch is up for a drink with his more good-looking fella Sundance?" he said while gesturing towards the bottle of expensive scotch on Harvey's desk.

"Why not, I could use a little break anyway" Harvey got up from his chair and poured themselves two glasses of the amber liquid.

"So, how are you holding up?" Mike started venturing into the dangerous territory.

"I am fine, Mike" Harvey drank the entire glass in one sip. It was as clear as a blue sky that he was anything but fine.

"So, things are okay with her?" the puppy wasn't sure how to deal with the situation, because things were always at odds when it came to Harvey and Donna.

"You know you can say her name out loud, right?" Harvey was smiling, trying to find some comfort in the usual Mike mockery.

"I'm serious Harvey, I am worried about you"

"Things are as good as they could be under these circumstances, so I guess I'm okay with that" but the truth was, he wasn't.

He just wanted to run to her and tell her how much he missed her. But he knew he couldn't do that, she didn't deserve any more confusion or suffering.

"In that case, I need to talk to you about something" Mike started as he continued sipping on his glass of scotch "Rachel and I are moving up the wedding"

"Oh wow, I am happy for you Mike. May I ask why?"

Mike hesitated for a moment, trying to find the right words to deliver him the news.

"It was actually Rachel's idea, she really wants Donna to be around to help her through all the arrangements…"

A puzzled expression grew on Harvey's face as soon as he heard Mike's words.

Why would it be necessary to move up the wedding to have Donna around? As far as Harvey knew, she wasn't planning on taking a vacation anytime soon, especially knowing their best friends were about to tie the knot.

"What do you mean?"

Mike took a deep breath and emptied his glass, knowing that what he was about to say wouldn't be easy to process for Harvey.

"Mark told Donna he's moving back to Connecticut, he asked her to go with him and… she's considering it"

Mike heard Harvey's glass instantly crash on the floor and, by the look on his best friend's face, he was sure his heart had just experienced the exact same fate inside his chest.


	8. Chapter 8

Dear friends,

Here's the eighth and last chapter.

I have to admit, saying goodbye to this fic is bittersweet to me.

It took me a huge leap of faith in myself to write and post this story, and I can't thank you enough for all the support you guys provided me during this amazing journey. I have to say, even the negative feedback I got helped me grow, so I am thankful for that too.

There are so many people I have to be grateful to for being there for me through this ride.

Most of all, Marie, thank you for being the best beta ever and such a great friend.

Sarah, thank you for the endless support and for the amazing day together in Toronto, it gave me the last little push I needed to write this.

Flav, thank you for always being there for me and cheering me up whenever I'm insecure.

And last but not least, Laura, this fic wouldn't exist without you. You gave me the very first inspiration and I couldn't be more thankful for that. This whole story is dedicated to you, I love you.

As always, let me know all of your thoughts on this one!

Enjoy this last ride friends,

Love you always xx

**Chapter 8: Could roses bloom?**

As soon as he heard the crashing sound of the glass, Harvey felt his heart racing inside his chest and it suddenly became impossible for him to breathe.

He knew it was coming, he recognized all the symptoms.

Apparently, so did Mike because this time around he knew exactly what to do. He got up from the couch and rushed to get Harvey a glass of water, while the man's forehead started to sweat.

Harvey had learned how to control his panic attacks better, but this one caught him off guard, he hadn't had one for a couple of years.

A couple of years until tonight. And he knew exactly what triggered them to come back. The reason had always been the same.

"_I am leaving you, Harvey"_

Only this time she wasn't going to leave him to join another office on the same floor, this time she was going away to another state. With another man.

When Mike first witnessed Harvey's panic attacks two years ago, he thought they might have been caused by all the stress his friend was experiencing at work, after all they had gone through some of the most difficult times at the firm back then.

The puppy had to admit the idea of them having something to do with Donna had crossed his mind back then, but now, seeing Harvey in those same conditions again made him see the real reason behind all of it.

"This is about Donna, isn't it? It always has been" he asked while handing the glass over to Harvey.

The man looked up to meet Mike's eyes and simply nodded, his panic attack hadn't stopped completely yet, so it kept him from uttering any words.

"Now I am seriously worried" his associate went back to take a seat next to him on the leather couch, "You have to find a way out, Harvey. You need to take care of yourself".

Harvey's gaze landed on the floor "I know…".

He drank a sip of water, hoping it would help him breathe again and then started playing with the glass, moving the remaining liquid around its surface.

"It's like my heart is telling me that I can't afford to lose her, Mike".

Mike had always known whatever relationship Harvey was in over the years, those women were not the one for him.

He remembered how one morning he had seen his boss flirting with Scottie in his office and, for a moment there, he had thought that she could be it for him. But then, ten minutes later, he witnessed Donna comforting Harvey and that's when he knew, no one else could ever compare.

And now, Mike couldn't believe the sight in front of his eyes.

His _"caring makes you weak"_ boss was truly broken to pieces because he had finally learned what being in love really meant.

"Then don't, Harvey. If there's anyone in this world worth fighting for, it's Donna Paulsen"

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Later that night, Donna was already in bed at half past nine. She was exhausted and all she wanted to do was to drink her cup of hot peach tea and go to sleep.

Of course, she found herself thinking about Mark and Connecticut instead.

She surely wasn't ready to leave the city, but to be honest, she never would be.

What Donna really wanted was to allow herself to take a leap of faith and truly believe her and Mark could build a happy future together, away from all the troubles the years in the Big Apple had brought her.

And, who knows, maybe one day, in ten years' time, when she would be back to visit, she would find Harvey happily married with a big family – and she could ponder over everything they could have had but didn't.

Okay Donna, it's time to switch off your brain – she told herself as she sank deeper into that comfortable bed of hers and tried to get some sleep.

That's when her mind decided to wander in her sleep to a beautiful white cottage house in Greenwich surrounded by red and yellow foliage. You could see the fall starting to embrace New England.

Her and Mark were standing in their big beautiful garden, their hands intertwined as her lips were gently kissing his.

She slowly turned around to watch their daughter – Laura - playing with leaves and she felt Mark's strong arms hugging her around the waist and landing on her stomach.

As soon as her eyes started to roam around the garden, looking for their little girl, she heard a different voice - a very familiar one - coming from the backyard.

"Gordon, come here, I got you!"

No. It couldn't be.

She spotted him, with the biggest smile on his handsome face, laughing as he lifted a little strawberry blonde boy and spun him around in the crisp October air.

She could no longer feel Mark's arms around her waist, and when she turned around, she discovered that the man had disappeared.

She stood there with her mouth wide open. She couldn't understand what had just happened.

Donna's eyes started filling with tears and her mouth curved into a sweet smile as soon as the little boy spoke.

"Mommy, there you are" the second Harvey put him back on the ground, the boy ran up to her and hugged her legs so tight that she almost lost her balance.

She stroked his hair and looked over to Harvey, who was giving her the most heartfelt smile with just his eyes.

And that's when Donna suddenly woke up, covered in sweat, only to find out that the in her eyes were very much real and not just a dream.

Harvey Specter would always be the only one for her.

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.

Next morning Rachel found an unexpected visitor inside her office waiting for her.

"Harvey, Good morning!" she greeted him kindly, her puzzled expression so obvious to the both of them.

"Hi, Rachel" he got up from the chair he had been sitting in for the last hour while waiting for the brunette to get to work.

Rachel placed a black Prada bag on her desk and turned around finally coming face to face with the lawyer "So, what's bringing you into my office so early in the morning?"

"I need to ask you something" Harvey looked extremely tired and stressed.

Rachel had already figured out what this was all about.

"Mike told you about Connecticut, didn't he?"

"He did..." he cleared his voice before moving a little closer to her, looking straight into her eyes. "Look, Rachel…I want to be with Donna, I really do. But I need to know something"

Her brows arched at his words, still unaware of where he was going with this conversation.

"I need to know if she's happy with him. Because if she is, if – for once – she found some peace and relief from all the pain she has had in her life, I am not going to be the one who takes all of that away from her"

Rachel's heart warmed up after hearing those words. She never really got to know Harvey that well, she had always thought he was a very closed off and tough man, but she had always suspected he had a huge heart, especially when it came to Donna.

"Harvey, she's never going to be happy as long as she isn't with you".

He gave her a tender smile because he knew she was rooting for them too "Thank you, Rachel".

She smiled back at him and, before he could leave her office and run to do whatever he had been planning to do since the moment he had set foot in her office that morning, she added jokingly, "Don't screw it up"

"I wouldn't do it for the world"

And of that, she was more certain than ever.

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Mark and Donna had settled for a fancy date that Friday night. He had suggested they'd go to Del Posto but she turned down his idea as soon as she'd heard the restaurant name and proposed they go to Per Se instead.

It was a quarter past seven and she was home, getting ready for the night.

It was time to choose a classy pair of earrings that would match the beautiful blue dress she had put on for the night, when she spotted them.

The golden triangle shaped earrings Harvey had gotten her for her last birthday. The exact same thing happened when it was time to pick the clutch for the night. His Hermes bag was standing right there, looking at her, almost saying "I am the perfect one"

He was everywhere in her apartment, even when he wasn't physically present.

She needed to get out of there as soon as possible.

She grabbed a Valentino pouch she had bought herself a couple of years before without even checking if that one would look okay with her dress. Honestly, at that point, she didn't even care.

Her and Mark arrived at the restaurant twenty minutes later, and as soon as they sat down and started looking at the menu, Mark began to talk about the beautiful cottage houses he had found for them in Connecticut and how beautiful their garden would look with the Fall colors.

Her most recent dream immediately re-entered her mind and she realized she couldn't do this anymore.

"Mark…" she abruptly stopped his joyful fantasies about their future life, and he understood straight away.

"You're not coming with me, are you?"

She could almost feel his heart breaking and she knew she would hate herself for what she was about to do to him.

"I am so sorry, Mark. I tried, but I can't leave New York"

"You can't leave New York, or you can't leave him?"

And she did it again. Over the years, she had always found so many excuses not to admit that the only thing she wasn't ready to leave behind was Harvey. First, he was "the firm" and now, he had become "New York".

"I really am sorry, I wanted this to work more than you know, but - "

"You love him" Mark cut her off without even letting her finish that sentence.

It was time she faced the truth. She couldn't hide anymore. It wasn't fair to him and surely it wasn't fair to herself either.

"I do"

That's when both Donna and Mark knew it was over and that there would never be another chance for them to get back together.

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Harvey was staring deep into his computer, typing relentlessly, when Mike knocked on his office door and he barely even noticed.

"Wow, so you actually work when you're around here" Mike laughed and let himself inside his boss's office "What case is keeping you so busy at eight on a Friday night? I thought we could grab a burger"

Harvey looked up to meet his gaze "This isn't about work…" he quickly closed his laptop and got up from his chair "And Mike, as much as I'd love to say yes, right now I have to deal with something more important than burgers"

Before Harvey could make his way out of his office, his associate called him out.

"Harvey"

"Yes?"

"Go get her" Mike said, showing him the proudest smile of all.

Harvey smiled back, thanking him with his eyes for always being there for him, and took off running towards the elevators.

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Donna came home straight from the restaurant. Her heart was still aching from the break up with Mark, but most of all she was devastated, because, once again, her feelings for Harvey had gotten in the way of her chance at a happy future.

She was so tired of that. _Will she ever be able to cut him out of herself?_

As those thoughts were running through her mind, she noticed a newspaper placed in front of her doorstep.

It only took her a closer look to understand exactly what newspaper it was.

"_Young lawyer presents daunting "Specter" for defendants"_

It was the article about Harvey's first big win at the DA's office.

A soft smile formed on her lips at the memory, right before she spotted a note attached to the corner of the paper.

"_Twelve years later, I am the one who's waiting for you. If you want this too, you know where to find me"_

She grabbed her bag that had fallen to the ground in the process and immediately ran out of her building to get a cab.

Ten minutes later she spotted him, standing in front of the counter where she had approached him twelve years ago. The exact spot where their incredible story had begun.

Harvey was visibly nervous and that elicited a small chuckle out of her once she realized he was nervous because of her.

She got closer to him and as soon as he saw her, he let out a breath of relief.

"I've been here for an hour… _I kept looking around, but you just weren't here_"

"_I am here now_" she softly said while smiling and taking the last steps separating them.

"You are, and I'm glad… apparently, _today is my lucky day_"

"_And why is that?_" she felt the tears already forming in her eyes at his reminiscence of their very first meeting. .

"Because it's the day I get to tell my someone special that I am in love with her"

"And let me guess, I am that someone special"

"Oh, you have no idea how special you are"

She couldn't hold back the tears anymore, she was overwhelmed by his confession in the most beautiful way.

He cupped her chin and held it up so his eyes could meet hers and wiped the tears away, a sweet gesture that was followed by him taking her hands in his.

"I've been blind for twelve years, but I am not wasting another second. I want you, Donna. I want everything with you.

I am scared like hell to lose you, but, honestly, I don't care about how messed up we are, I am sure that as long as we stick together, we can overcome any obstacle.

I am ready to face whatever the future holds for me with you by my side, because _I love you, Donna Paulsen. _

So please, don't go to Connecticut. Give me the chance to make you happy here, with me"

Donna was speechless, but the words seemed to leave her mouth freely, as if they were waiting to come out for too long and now was finally the perfect time to say them out loud.

"_I love you, Harvey Specter"_

As soon as she spoke, he covered her lips with his.

This time, there was no rush or rage in their kiss, it was only filled with true love. The _"you've been my soulmate since the first moment I met you"_ kind of love.

When their lips reluctantly parted, Donna placed her hands on his chest and whispered into his ear "Take me home, Harvey"

The signature Cheshire cat grin formed on his lips "With pleasure, I think it's time we got ourselves a bed"

She laughed out loud at his words and let him guide her towards the bar's exit, shaking with excitement thinking about how she was finally going home with the love of her life.

Before they could get past the door, Donna grabbed Harvey's arm and stopped him, causing him to stumble in surprise, not understanding her intentions.

"Oh, and Harvey, now that you finally got lucky enough to have me, I hope you have no intention of sharing anymore" she gave him a witty smirk, remembering the last time she had made him that same remark back at the DA's office.

Harvey was astonished by the vision in front of him. He still couldn't believe that woman was now his, for the rest of his life.

"You can bet your wonderful ass I won't" now he was the one playfully smirking at her.

She laughed at the comment about her ass, but also understood his intentions because, _more than anyone else, she always got him_.

Harvey might be a gambler, he always had been, but this time around, he was all in for her.

He put his arm around her shoulder, gently pushing her closer to his heart, and she placed her head in the crook of his neck in response.

There they were, Harvey Specter and Donna Paulsen, walking into their future together, taking the first steps into their _"Forever"._

_Fin._


End file.
